That’s me.
The only person on the face of the earth who hates Fifty Shades of Grey, or so it would seem.
(Warning: this blog post is not for children’s eyes!)
I’m not going to talk about the morality of this book, although I could, at length, because it’s not my job to tell people how to live their lives.
What I am concerned about is the light indifference and vast ignorance with which violence is linked to sex. The storyline involves an older, handsome, rich man who enjoys inflicting pain and humiliation on his younger, vulnerable, naive girlfriend. The relationship is portrayed as being exciting and fun, despite the fact that the female character is routinely tortured and abused.
When violence is paired with sex, the brain releases two hormones – dopamine and adrenaline. Dopamine is the usual hormone released in sexual activity – it’s the pleasure hormone. Adrenaline, released during inflicting violence on another person, adds an element of excitement that becomes addictive to the point that a person can no longer achieve sexual satisfaction unless adrenaline is released. (Thrilled to Death, Dr Archibald D Hart)
The problem with adrenaline is that it only works for a short period of time, and what was thrilling before becomes dull. Therefore, riskier behaviour must be attempted to achieve the release of adrenaline. This downward spiral can only be broken with professional help. It is precisely this relationship between violence and sex which is sought by rapists and serial killers, who are seeking a thrill though enormously destructive behaviour. (The Sexual Man, Dr Archibald D Hart)
This is a very serious issue, and there are vulnerable girls and women who are experiencing very real pain and fear at the hands of men who must combine violence and sex to achieve satisfaction.
This book does nothing to address the seriousness of the issue; and in fact, treats it great indifference. The author admits she did no research into a relationship in which violent sexual activity is normalised, and perhaps she doesn’t understand the destructive power of sex fuelled by adrenaline. As a result, she has glamorised the physical, sexual and emotional abuse of a naive and trusting young woman.
I fear for the many vulnerable girls and women who pick up these books and are deceived into thinking that a violent relationship with a dangerous man is thrilling and exciting.
That’s why I will not allow these books into my home. There are so many wonderfully written books in the marketplace that will edify your soul. Do yourself a favour, and read those instead.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow! Great information! I never wanted to read it and find it horrid!
Thank you, Whitney!
Thank you so much for writing this blog post. I hope more women read this and begin to think about the books in a different light. I haven’t even touched one or begun to look beyond the covers of the books. Even the covers seem gross to me. I think some women who might be part of what they think is a modern feminist revolution believe they are doing womanhood a favor by accepting these books. The reality is they really are accepting much more than a steamy sex novel – it’s inviting in so many other things and I think the one that gets my blood boiling the most is what you mentioned. It’s a very scary thought to me that women are linking violence and sex – and choosing to do it. It’s very sad what biologically and scientifically occurs in a human body when those things take place and it is disturbing that people have to seek professional help to work through those things to be able to make a change. But it’s way more disturbing to think there are people that don’t have some pre-existing reason for why they are inclined to enjoy reading about it let alone trying to actually do any of the things described. It is refreshing that you got the conversation started!
Liz
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Thanks Liz. It’s amazing to me why this sort of thing is not discussed more. I’m stunned that a book which celebrates all kinds of abuse is talked about laughingly in the media. It makes me shake my head in despair.
I keep hearing about this book. The more I hear, the less I like it. And you are quite right – there are so many wonderful books out there, why bother with this one?! Life’s too short to waste time on books like these!
Absolutely, Janet!
Don’t think you are the only person! Wish I had a pretty throw to toss over the stand full of them in Target the other day. Often I will turn over books displayed in shops, which I deem unsuitable (for anyone!), so that the cover is not staring people in the face and enticing them to pick it up. Call me crazy! It was a bit difficult to camoflague a whole stand of this book. I will have to work on another tactic.
That’s funny Ros, I was thinking the same thing in Target the other day. An entire stand of them, right at the checkout. Also not overly happy any child could pick it up and read through it, despite it being explicit in both language and content.
Thanks julie for enlightening me on what this controversy is all about. I appreciate your blog. In fact now I’ve read this commentary I’m going to complain on Target fb about the books being displayed where young people can buy them. Addiction to pornography is becoming a way of life for so many people as an escape from the realities of their existence. This is very sad and so hard to escape from even with professional help.
What a great idea, Robbie! I was shocked when I went to my local Target and saw a big display of the books right near the check outs where any child could pick them up. It should be treated as the adult material it is, and kept away from children at the very least. Addiction to pornography is another issue in itself for our culture to address. Thanks for your comment!
I totally agree with you. And the reason you feel so alone in it is exactly because of the media making it seem as though if you are not laughing right along with them then you are somehow the strange one. Well, maybe we are–God calls us a peculiar people, doesn’t He? To come out from among them and be separate? I think we as committed believers are finding ourselves more and more “different”. Hang in there, Julie–God is pleased with you!
Just an anecdote–my daughter was an outspoken Christian in high school. She came home one day crying because she was being persecuted for her faith. Through sobs she said, “They think I’m weird!” I looked her straight in the eye and with all seriousness tried to console, “Honey,” I said, “you ARE weird!” That has been a laugh between us for years.
Thanks Anne, that is a funny story! It’s not always easy to stand up for what is right in our culture. But we are called to be salt and light, and the speak the truth. So that’s what I hope to do, in a small way.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I had a friend suggesting this book to another friend the other day and I was thinking about adding it to my library. More to see what the hype was all about than anything.
Knowing the details of what it’s all about, I will not waste my time or money. In fact, I will make sure I talk to my other friend about the book as well. I think she will appreciate the heads up. It’s not always easy to talk against popular things in this world, but I am glad there are still people like you who do. Blessings!
I’m so glad you won’t waste your time or money, Lori! I do believe these books are poisonous to the mind and soul. Thank you for your comment.
Julie – you are NOT the only one…I am right there with you!! All my friends were raving about these books so I got the “sample” for my nook…after a few pages I was convinced this was not a book or a series that I would read! Thanks for speaking up! Shelly
Thanks Shelly! I don’t think what most people who love it realise is how dangerous it really is.
Great post, Julie, and you’re not the only one. I think of it as the gateway drug to hardcore erotica for women. Because it’s being marketed like any other book, women are curious and read it. How on earth would a book like this build up solid marriages? From what you’ve said in this post, it’s only a never-ending, never-satisfying slide into perversion. I’m shocked that major warehouses like Cosco are selling it right next to THE HUNGER GAMES! Glad you’re taking a stand.
Loved this info. I knew the book was smut, but didn’t want to look into the sordid details of what it is about. Thanks for discreetly explaining it to us. Your analysis was right on. My wife and I appreciated it.
Thanks Jimmy – and that’s only one part of it! There is so much more I could write about it….
Julia, you’re not alone! Thank you for sharing this. I’m resharing it on my FB page.
Thanks Lois, and thanks for the reshare too!
You certainly aren’t the only one. I will admit that I read the first one. Mainly cause I paid for it. I got done with it and thought “there are several hours of my life that I can never get back,” and decided not to read the other two.
Your post is great. Thanks for exposing the stuff that the author of 50 didn’t.
Thanks Jennifer! If you’ve read one of them, then you know what I’m talking about!
Awesome post! Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks Sundi Jo!
No, you are not the only person who hates that book and books like it. I’m right here with ya, sista!
Thanks Sherri!
Ditto, Julie and others, you’re not alone. How sad that women now participate eagerly in presenting our gender as objects of little worth beyond their sexual uses. It is destructive, a dead end, and we must not allow ourselves to be silenced. Thank you for your courage.
Thanks Hillari. It’s sad that our world celebrates slavery of this kind, instead of condemning it.
How dreadful that books like this are glorified – as you say, the affect they have is horrendous on women who through books like this are degraded so terribly and on males who believe it is okay to behave like this.
I have read your blog and I have also read this book and I have also worked in the Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault field for 12 years and this book although in the beginning does portray him being a controller and manipulator it does also go in to how she communicates to him the things she didn’t enjoy and over time he learned to respect this now coming from an abusive point of view an assailant would never listen to their partner nor even consider changing the behavior unlike how this book ended and it also showed how the couple eventually were able to communicate about their sex life and make healthy boundaries on both sides most normal marriages don’t have even have that kind of communication and both partners should be able to express what they like or don’t like in the bedroom it’s healthy and I took from this book on how to do that!!
Whilst there is some merit to the couple being able to set boundaries, I still believe the author has treated a serious issue far too lightly. For one thing, the dopamine/adrenaline addiction issue is very real and these books do not address the consequences if the female character wanted to remove the violence from their relationship totally. Secondly, I’ve read reviews from lots of charities and workers in the field of domestic violence and sexual health who say exactly the opposite – that usually the women in such relationships end up in shelters fearing for their lives. Finally, the book does not address the emotional or psychological damage being controlled and manipulated would do to the female psyche over a period of time.
These books never appealed to me. I don’t even understand why so many women are drawn to such stories of bondage and masochism. Those things are degrading to women, in my honest opinion. A good book I would highly recommend is “Between Shades of Gray”, a story about the holocaust.
Thanks for the recommendation, Samantha! That sounds like an interesting book – far better than the ones we’ve been discussing!
I have read these books and having been through a relationship like this I have found it helped me to clarify and grow through the hardships a relationship like this can bring. I was naive and young when this relationship started and now know when to run if the warning signs starts flashing. The main male character in this book does change throughout the series but what couples do behind closed bedroom doors is none of my business. Some women do like rough sex and if they don’t they need to speak up and get out.
Thanks Suzanne. I think what is most telling is the remark “if they don’t they need to speak up and get out.” In an abusive relationship, or even one that is controlling, this is virtually impossible. Again, something that is not addressed by the book. In fact, in abusive relationships, the most dangerous time for the victim is when she leaves. It is not as simple nor as harmless as the books suggest.
I agree with everything you said…
I have one more concern… that impressionable young women will be coerced into these relationships by men who have read it and tell them this is normal and required by “real ” women….as they do with what they see in Porn films..
I also will not have it in my house…..
Thank you and you are not alone….
Thanks Verina, that is absolutely one of my concerns too. Particularly young and vulnerable women, as portrayed by the book.
Julie, I was led to your blog this evening and was particularly interested to see what you said about this book. I haven’t read it. But I know alot of people who have and who are getting alot of cheap thrills from it. I have prophetic dreams and one I had recently was about this book. It was bound in a green leather case and was given much kudos. When I was discussing this with a friend (christian) I experienced an overwhelming sadness and a sense that this is opening some unwanted doors which people are going to find hard to close. Your blog has affirmed this and I am more and more compelled to write about this, speak about this, discourage women (and men) from reading it generally. Lord knows this is not a message I need to heed – I spent many unsaved years following one thrill after another, I know too well how damaging these things are and I know also that it takes a miracle to be rid of the effects of such activity. God bless you for speaking out with such boldness and integrity.
Thanks Emma, for your post and your story. This is not harmless stuff, as many would have us believe. You are right, it can open doors which are very hard to close once abusive behaviour begins. And I agree, we need to talk about it! It does seem as though lots of people are starting to realise this, which is great.
Thank you so much for writing this, Julie! Sadly, I purchased the books online when I saw them as long-running best sellers on the Book Depository website. I haven’t read them yet, so thanks for saving me the trouble. They’ve gone straight into the bin, as I won’t have porn in my house. I will warn my friends. I will also join the others who commented about complaining to Target and Big W in relation to placing the books in high traffic areas where kids can easily read them.
Thanks Cathy. The fact that they are best-sellers is concerning to me. However, it is the devil’s world and I guess it’s not that surprising. In the meantime, all we can do is spread the truth!
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